2 posts tagged “apathy”

first read,  On the Boardwalk: part one

I needed to walk, I think Gina did as well. You can learn as much by silence as you can by talking. I thought about what she had said, the story of her adult life so far and compared it to mine. I wondered if she was doing the same thing and noticed her standing at a railing, looking at the ocean.

My eyes wandered as my ears picked up the sound of a father, yelling at his daughter, he slapped her face and pointed. The child's head bowed down and her back bent as she walked in the direction pointed. I shook my head, wandering if when people would stop doing things like that to their children.

"Why did we never become real friends." she asked me as she fingered the railing and watched the waves. I stood beside her and sighed.

"I didn't have time for friends."

The silence grew as words hung in the air. I wanted friends, I did. I just couldn't find the time.

"You were one of the most popular girls in school, I remember feeling lucky that you spent time with me each day. You kept your distance but you never treated my unkindly. I know many people who thought of you as their friend, how can you say something like that?"

"Gina, there is a difference between being friendly and having real friends. All my friendships were the kind I had with you. Friendship was for school, I didn't have time for anything else."

"Anything else? How can you say that, you were always singing. Concerts, plays, competitions, you name it, you were involved. You were always doing something in school, how could you not have time?"

"There are many things I regret, many things I missed out on. You saw me doing many things but you didn't notice when I didn't show up, when I had to do other things. I didn't get to do as much as you think I did."

"I think you are lying. Why would you do something like that? I don't hear anything but words. How real are your words Ronnie? What took up so much of your time that you could not notice others?" Gina laughed sarcastically.

I was glad she was still looking at the ocean, my eyes wandered to the stars above. She was as much a stranger as a friend, no one had ever bothered to ask me these questions before and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It felt odd even thinking about saying these things out loud. I wandered if I even could share myself with another person. I listened to the waves and watched the stars blink. The hypnotic sound and sight soon calmed my thoughts.

"My mother owns a small store a few towns away. She has had it since I was thirteen. I would work for her occasionally at first, but then she became ill. She was sick on and off for the next six years or so.  Dad was on the road working, he would send money home to pay the bills. When mom was ill though, I couldn't get to the money to pay them or the groceries. So, I ended up taking care of my siblings, running my mom's store, babysitting and working two jobs. I was lucky to get a few hours of sleep a day before heading off to school and starting the routine over.

Senior year, they figured out what was wrong with my mom and she went  into surgery. I'm actually surprised I graduated as I wasn't in school very much. Every time I turned around, I was getting an early-out, so I could bike to my mom's store and run the shop. All of the money I made went to groceries and paying bills. Dad, when he was home, just stewed about how life was treating him badly. I don't think he ever noticed that I was working to pay the bills or that I took care of the house. Seemed all he did was call me names and treat me like I was an ant.

I wanted to leave, don't get me wrong. But if I did, who would take care of my brothers and sisters? Who would make sure they had food to eat and that they did their homework? I didn't want them to end up in the same situation I was in. I wanted them to have a childhood and have friends. It was only a few years out of my life, right?"

I told her other things, things I never shared with another soul. Things I never thought I would say out loud. I told her as much about myself as she had about herself. The moon had risen full strength before I was done speaking.

"Did you ever go to college, Ronnie?"
"I went for a year but couldn't afford the tuition so dropped out. How about you?"
"Yeh, I have a Bachelor's in Art. Lot of good that did me." Gina pushed away from the railing. "I was wrong, you're not naive, you just have a different story than mine. Back then, I would have been the naive one compared to you."

I shrugged my shoulders. Comparing didn't really seem to be that relevant, what was important was how neither of us had been able to notice what was going on around them. "We were too wrapped up in our own stories to notice others had stories as well, I guess."

We walked to the parking lot, most of the people had left the boardwalk and everything was closed down. "I'm going to Philly tomorrow, I want to see if I can get a job at a museum. Think I stand a chance?"

"Yeh, I think you might. That is, if you get something else to wear. I think I have some cloths that will fit, if you'd like to borrow some."

She laughed, "Soon as I get in my car, I am going. You are right though, I'll get something more professional looking, later." She took out her keys, unlocked the car and got in. "Maybe I'll see you around sometime, I'll call you."

I nodded and smiled, "I'll be waiting for the call, maybe we can get together when I have more time. I wouldn't mind getting away for a day."

Turning the engine she looked at the wheel, "Good idea."

She backed the car up, waved and then drove off. I watched her leave and knew she would never call. I could hear her radio playing "Zombies". Odd how you don't hear a song fort he longest time and then suddenly there it is, like a bookmark in your life.

During the many years that followed, I knew Gina to be my only friend, as only she knew what I never spoke of and I knew she felt the same way about me. Sometimes your best friend is there for but a moment of your life, it doesn't take a presence but rather a knowing. Who knows, maybe one day we will run into each other again.

The Cranberries were singing "Zombies" on the radio, it had always been a favorite. Humming the tune, I watched the traffic go by, the road was busy, mainly because of the summer vacationers. Even in the evening, they rushed to the beach, most likely to romance someone, listen to the waves, or watch the stars.

I was on my way to the boardwalk to meet an old friend. Gina had left town almost as soon as she graduated from high school. She didn't write to anyone so it was a surprise when I got a phone call from her earlier today. She was back in town for a few days and wanted to touch bases.

Gina and I were not the closest of friends, we never went to each others homes after school. We primarily hung out together at the cafeteria, doing our homework and helping each other study. We never really talked about anything outside of school, she always was something of a loner.

The traffic let up and I managed to get to the boardwalk well within time to find the meeting place. It was a warm night, not muggy, with a slight breeze, just the kind of night I enjoy most. The skies were clear and the stars bright as my shoes hit the wooden boards of the walkway leading to the boardwalk. Small family groups and couples meandered about, talking in gentle whispers and soft giggles.

As I neared the gaming area, I could see hawkers calling out to passersby,"Try your luck!.. ten balls,ten tries... Hit the balloon and win...". Clusters of people gathered around the hawkers, some to impress, others to have fun. Cries of dismay, delight and laughter filled the area as I continued walking.

The Arcade was our meeting place, locals went there as it was less busy than other sections of the boardwalk. You could actually talk without feeling as if others were crowding you and forcing you to continue walking.  Outside of locals, the only people to visit the building were  twelve and thirteen year old boys trying their luck on the newest video game or trying to figure out how to play pinball. There were usually a few kids arguing over tactics and this night was no different. Two boys were bludgeoning each other and calling each other names while a larger group surrounded them, egging them on. At least they were on the other side of the building, no doubt the owners would soon kick them out and things would quiet down soon. I passed the group and continued through the building.

"Veronica. Ronnie, is that you?"
I turned my head to see a strange woman looking at me, her make-up was overdone and she was wearing a half cut tube top. I could see the bottom of her breasts hanging out of the bottom and her shorts were more like underwear, so shear you could almost see through them. I pretended not to notice her and continued onward.

The woman grabbed my arm,"Veronica, that is you, I know it is." When would this woman leave me? I turned to her trying not to really notice her and said, "I don't know who you are, please let me go, I am meeting someone." Her eyes squinted and her lips pursed as she looked me in the eye, "You are meeting me. Don't you recognize me?"

That made me stop and really look at her. Her eyes were kind of yellowish, with pinkish veins spread out like rays. She looked at least twenty years older than me as the flesh of her cheeks and forehead were creased with lines. Still, there was something about her that seemed familiar. I know I looked confused as she watched me looking at her. Her lips grew even thinner as she quietly spoke, "It's me, Gina."

She let go of me suddenly as I looked at her, my shock and confusion coming in waves. What on earth had happened to her? She was so bright and now, before me stood a woman who was more a living husk of the person I once knew. "Gina? No, really? Gina?" I took her hands in mine  and tried to find her old stature but she smoothly slid her hands away.  Fumbling for words I felt tears trying to spill from my face. Shaking my head, I pointed to a bench and sat down, as she sat beside me I turned to her, willing the tears away, "Tell me what you've been up to."

I sat as she told me about her life. She had moved to Atlantic City and somewhere along the way had become a drug addict, it wasn't long before she was taking tricks to pay for her habit. She spoke of many things which made me shudder inside, things no one should experience. To her though, these acts were part of life.

She called me a sheltered bitch and I nodded, what else could I do? Yes, I had been sheltered but tonight my eyes had been opened. "Gina, why did you call me?"

"I wanted to see if I could turn back time. To see if I could live like you do, but as soon as I came back home I already knew the answer. I could quit drugs and stop hooking but I can never again be like you. I've seen too much. I wanted to see if a person like you would see me as normal, as worthy of life. You don't' know me, you never knew what my life at home was like, you never asked about me, what I wanted in life. No one ever asked, I was alone and you are the closest thing I ever had to a friend."

I didn't know what to say. Words were stuck in my throat, jumbled up with confusion and pity for someone I once spent time with, wiling away the lunch hours until the bell rung. I had thought of her as a casual friend, an acquaintance I had something in common with and yet, I knew she was right. Bowing my head in shame, I stood up and smiled at her, "Let's walk and get to know each other."

On the Boardwalk: conclusion